7 Practices for Healthy Families – Part 1

Brokenness is standard fare for families in today’s culture. Many homes are literally broken apart, while many others are broken from within. In fact, brokenness has become the norm. In today’s American family, strife, contention, anger, and resentment are quite common. Weak marriages, frustrated parents, sin ravaged home environments, argumentative teens, neglected children—this is the stuff of family life in 2010. Sad. The fact that Christian homes also fall into this category is even more sad.

Brokenness is certainly not what God intended. Perhaps this article finds your family in the midst of brokenness—your home life has been reduced to contention. Nobody likes this—not parents, not kids. And everybody knows this isn’t how it’s supposed to be—especially for Christians. So what’s the solution?

The difference between a contentious family and a happy one is not as elusive as you might think. It’s not fate or luck. It’s not that one family just happens to get along and another doesn’t. All families face the same potential for contention and conflict. Successful ones just handle it differently—biblically.

Your family probably doesn’t need a complete rebuild, months of counseling, or psychotherapy. And you’re certainly not stuck in mediocrity. There is hope. The difference between happy families and fractured families is smaller than you think—simple values and practices that any family can learn.

What are they? What simple things does God’s Word teach us that have huge impacts on family life. I would liken these practices to atomic bombs—small packages, big results! Why? Because God honors them. These are the things that move God to work in family life. So, suppose you’re in over your head with family contention. Suppose we were sitting at a coffee shop with a Bible. These are the “prescriptions” God would give you to heal what is broken in your home.

Step One—Regularly Ask for the Filling of God’s Holy Spirit. If you are in over your head, welcome to the club! That’s why we all need God’s supernatural help to overcome our natural tendencies. Ephesians 5:9 teaches that the fruit of the Spirit “is in all goodness and righteousness and truth.” Only God’s Spirit can bring together the different personalities in your home to dwell together in peace and unity.

Step Two—Pray Together Consistently. Pray as a couple, pray with your kids, pray as a whole family. Pray on the way to school, before bed, and just randomly during the day. As simple as this is, it’s difficult for many families to do. Why? Because the devil fights it big time! God will accomplish more in three minutes of prayer than you will accomplish in three hours of arguing or three days of resentment. Every night before bed, take a quiet moment with each child, kneel by their bed, focus on them, and pray a short prayer of love, protection, and gratitude over them. Let them pray too, if they will. If not, just pray out loud. I promise, your relationship will change! James 5:16 teaches that “the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much,” and 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says, “Pray without ceasing.”

Step Three—Resolve Conflict Immediately. Contentious families have mounds and mounds of built up hurt that has never been resolved. When arguments fly, tempers flare, and anger rages, the mess is left like a truckload of trash dumped in the living room floor. It rots. It stinks. It keeps hurting our hearts. And future flare ups are made more frequent and more intense because of the pile of past hurt still laying around.

Conflict isn’t absent from happy homes; it’s just resolved. Healthy families pick up the mess when an explosion has occurred. Parents apologize to kids. Kids apologize to parents. Spouses apologize to each other. And prayer together puts every heart back on the stable ground of relational sanity. Whatever you do, don’t let conflict go unresolved. Colossians 3:13 teaches us to forebear and forgive one another, and Romans 12:18 admonishes us to“…live peacably with all men.” A good start to resolving conflict would be to approach a family member and sincerely ask, “How have I hurt you?” Listen. Don’t defend yourself. Eat humble pie and make it right.

Step Four—Play Together Abundantly. Contentious families have usually stopped playing together. They stopped having fun with their family a long time ago. Healthy families still plan fun. And frankly, kids who grow up loving God will nearly always tell you of someone (usually parents) who helped them see and experience the joy of being a Christian! Are you making life enjoyable for your family, or do they go elsewhere to find enjoyment? What light does that cast on your faith, your relationship with God, and your values? Does your joy make biblical living more attractive to your children?

When is the last time you planned a great time for your family? Healthy families balance rules with relationships and never get over the fun of just being a family. Isaiah 61:10 says,“I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul will be joyful in God.” It’s hard to do that if you’re always grumpy. And grumpy people repel kids—it’s that simple.

There are three practices which we will examine in part two of this article which will post soon. Ask God to help you consistently apply His principles in your family.

Thanks to www.caryschmidt.com!

Discipline that Develops the Heart

Ten Biblical Principles for Winning Your Child’s Heart

How do you discipline your children? Here are ten Biblical principles for handling discipline biblically and in a way that truly develops the heart of your child.

Discipline that develops the heart…

1. Is Controlled and Premeditated—It doesn’t fly off the handle or out of control.

Proverbs 16:32, “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.”

Colossians 3:21, “Fathers provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”

2. Is Biblically Principled and Corrective—It rests upon a Higher Authority—God and His Word, and isn’t easily manipulated.

Proverbs 19:18, “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.”

3. Is Instructive and Nurturing—It moves beyond reaction and actually instructs and trains.

Proverbs 4:1-4, “Hear, ye children, the instruction of a father, and attend to know understanding.  2 For I give you good doctrine, forsake ye not my law.  3 For I was my father’s son, tender and only beloved in the sight of my mother.  4 He taught me also, and said unto me, Let thine heart retain my words: keep my commandments, and live.”

4. Is Focused on Beliefs then Behavior—It seeks to understand the beliefs that drive behavior, not merely change behavior.

Proverbs 23:26, “My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways.”

Proverbs 4:1-2, “Hear, ye children, the instruction of a father, and attend to know understanding.  2 For I give you good doctrine, forsake ye not my law.”

5. Is Focused on Restoring Relationships—It always seeks a stronger relationship, not a wounded one.

Col. 3:21, “Fathers provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”

6. Is Listening and Encouraging—It contemplates, considers, and listens to the feelings and expressions of the heart.

Psalm 103:13, “Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear Him.”

Col. 3:21, “Fathers provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”

1 Thessalonians 2:11, “As you know how we exhorted and comforted and charged every one of you, as a father doth his children.”

7. Is Prayerful and Christ Centered—It brings Christ to the forefront and maintains a humble spirit.

James 5:16, “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”

8. Is Selfless and Contextual—It is for the profit of the child and helps the child see the larger context of blessing.

Hebrews 12:10, “For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness.”

9. Is Forward Looking—It blesses the heart with hope and an “I believe in you” spirit.

Proverbs 4:10, “Hear, O my son, and receive my sayings; and the years of thy life shall be many.”

1 Peter 2:2, “As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby:”

10. Is Obedient to a Higher Authority—It flows from a heart that is obviously obedient to the Heavenly Father.

Proverbs 24:21, ” My son, fear thou the LORD and the king: and meddle not with them that are given to change:”

Proverbs 23:26, “My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways.”

Continue the discussion: How have you seen God bless these principles in your own life or family?

Thank you www.caryschmidt.com!

A Good Marriage Doesn’t Happen By Accident

I’m not a marriage expert, nor am I a marriage counselor, but I’m smart enough to tell you this … a good, healthy, happy, strong marriage doesn’t just happen by accident. It takes work.

Yes, work!

A truly happy marriage never happens by accident, instead it takes time and effort.

According to the national average, a couple will spend $17,500 and copious amounts of time on their wedding. But how much do they actually spend on their marriage?

A husband and a wife who are willing to put lots of time and energy into building a strong marriage, can have the kind of marriage they want. Whether you’ve been married 2 months or 20 years, the best time to start building a strong marriage is today. Start today by committing to your spouse, “I want us to have a great marriage.” Don’t neglect your marriage for years and then wonder, “I don’t know what happened.” Instead, put some time and effort into your marriage.

If you’ve spent years neglecting your marriage and your spouse’s needs, here are some things that will help…

• Don’t give up.
• Commit with your spouse to starting over today. Commit to putting time and effort into restoring and building a great marriage.
• Seek out an expert, a Christian marriage counselor.
• Educate yourself. Find some books on marriage and read them together. Here’s a list of books Lea and I have used to better our marriage. Reading together is one of the best things we’ve ever done.
• Invest large amounts of time and effort into building a great marriage.
• Get out of town … without your children. Spend a weekend away with just the two of you.
• Be patient. Things don’t always change overnight. Can you imagine a man who has spent years neglecting his health, all of a sudden going to a doctor and saying,“Make it better … quick.” Doctors can’t fix years of neglect overnight (and sometimes not at all). Fixing years of neglect to your physical health often takes months and years of hard work and discipline to get your body back on track. The same is true if you’ve neglected your marriage. It may not be able to be fixed overnight, but with time, hard work and discipline … you can get it back on track.

A good, happy, healthy, strong marriage doesn’t happen by accident … it takes work. Invest some time and effort into your marriage today.

Thank you to www.treymorgan.net!

10 Ways to Ruin Your Children

1. LIE FOR YOUR KIDS. When a parent writes their child a note to school saying their child was sick or had a doctor’s appointment, and really they just over slept …. YOU are teaching them it’s OKAY to lie. Don’t you get it? NEVER lie to help cover up mistakes for your kids.
2. DON’T GIVE THEM ANY RULES. Just let them do what they want. They don’t need any direction.
3. AUTOMATICALLY THINK EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET YOUR CHILD WHEN THEY GET IN TROUBLE. Your child is perfect, how could they ever do anything wrong? If your child gets in trouble it’s got to be somebody’s fault, but surely not your kid’s fault. When I was a kid, if I got in trouble at school (yea, hard to believe), I got in trouble when I got home as well. Now days, when a child gets in trouble at school, the parent thinks it’s the school’s fault, the teacher’s fault or the principal is picking on my child! Have you ever thought that your child just might have done something wrong?
4. NEVER DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILDREN. Discipline is overrated. Just always threaten to punish them without ever following through.
5. DON’T MAKE GOD A PRIORITY IN THEIR LIVES. They don’t need church, faith or a large dose of God these days. Instead let them discover their faith on their own … once they get older.
6. PULL STRINGS TO GET YOUR CHILDREN OUT OF TROUBLE. Actually, if your child has done something that deserves punishment, let them be responsible for their own actions. Don’t threaten to call a lawyer, talk to the principal or talk to a superior to get your child out of trouble for something they’ve done. Have you ever heard of “you reap what you sow” or you have to be responsible for your own actions?
7. BE INCONSISTENT. Tell your kids to do one thing then you do another. Tell them not to lie, and then let them hear you lie. Don’t practice what you preach. INSTEAD … be the parent that’s brave enough to get up and turn off a television show that doesn’t need to be on. Teach them by your example. Let your children see you consistently living what you preach. Be consistent.
8. GIVE YOUR KIDS EVERYTHING THEY WANT. They may think they need a new car, the latest electronic games and the best clothes, but sometimes you have to say, “No.”
9. STRIVE TO BE THEIR FRIEND MORE THAN THEIR PARENT. Believe it or not, your children need a parent more than they need another buddy. I wholeheartedly believe in being friends with your children, but not at the cost of giving up the role as their parent.
10. UNDERESTIMATE THE ROLE OF THE FATHER. This coming year 40% of the children born in our country will be born in a home where there is no father. We’ve quickly become a country where the men like to fool around, but they don’t like to stay around. Despite Ephesians 6:4 telling us that it’s the father’s role to train the children, fathers are not taking responsibility for that role. Men … man-up, it’s time to be a dad.

Thank you to www.treymorgan.net!

Responding to the Word

One of the purposes of this blog is to deal with issues that are both important and relevant to the family. Of paramount importance to any family is the topic of child rearing.

We’ve all been unhappy bystanders at the “supermarket meltdown.” Some cute, precious toddler has been told that he can do without the tantalizing and strategically placed candy bar next to the checkout counter. In mere seconds a transformation takes place! The toddler suddenly morphs into a Tasmanian devil with an amplifier for a voice box. You know what I’m talking about. Sometimes the kid is even related to us.

Trying not to stare, but deriving a certain voyeuristic pleasure, we watch as the predictable drama unfolds:

Mother: No, Sweetheart, Mommy doesn’t want you to have that.

Toddler: But I WAANNNTT it!!

Narrator’s comment: Kids don’t play fair. Often they employ the time-honored weapon of embarrassment. They know that their increased volume level has attracted curious onlookers, and they sense your growing level of discomfort. In fact, they take an almost sadistic delight in it.

Mother: What did Mommy say?

Toddler: (Louder) But I WWWWWAAAAANNNNNTTTT it!

Narrator’s comment: Does this mother actually think that Junior didn’t hear her? This is the same kid that memorized entire conversations from Monsters, Inc. and Finding Nemo after watching them one time. Does she actually think he can’t remember her simple reply of “No”?

Mother: Look at all the food Mommy is buying. We don’t need that candy bar. We can’t afford that right now. And besides it’ll rot all of your teeth out.

Toddler: (Kicking, screaming, crying, turning colors, and raising his voice to jet engine decibel levels) IIIIII WWWWWAAAAAANNNNTTTTT TTTHHHHAAAATTT CCCCAAAANNNDDDYYY!!!!!!!!

Narrator’s comment: Obviously the Tasmanian is winning. In part, because he has not changed his game plan one iota, unlike the hapless mother who is grasping at straws. Rationalizing with toddlers is not rational. Two year olds cannot grasp the complexity of a strained family budget, nor do they care about the long-term health of their pearly whites. In fact, in their economy, more teeth lost equates to more money from the tooth fairy!

Mother: (Exasperated) I’m not going to say it again! No! Do you understand me? No! No! No!

Toddler: (Unintelligible wailing akin to the bellowing of a stomach-sick wildebeest)

Narrator: After vowing she would not repeat her complex instructions (“No”), she repeats them four more times. The toddler has played this game before and understands this to be the ineffective roaring of the lioness before she ultimately relents.

Mother: (Defeated, embarrassed, and exhausted, as she pays for the forbidden candy and gives it to her child) This is the last time you are ever going shopping with Mommy! And I mean it! Don’t come running to me when your tummy hurts either, because I told you so!!

Toddler: (Unable to speak with his mouth full of candy)

Narrator: Everybody’s happy. Right? Mom is no longer the center of an uncomfortable drama. Toddler happily eats his hard-won candy. Store patrons are spared further noise pollution.

Unfortunately, nobody wins. A child has openly and willfully defied his authority’s word and has put his future in a precarious position. Parents, consider these thoughts about teaching/training your children to respond to your word.

1. Our children do not belong to us; they belong to God. We are training them to serve Him. By training them to respond to our word, we are training them to respond to the Word of God.

2. When my children obey only when I become sufficiently angry and threatening, I am training them to await God’s methods of attention-getting before they obey Him… a dangerous prospect, to say the least.

3. Children should be taught and trained to respond to a parent’s word, not a parent’s tone. Remember: we are attuning our children to respond to the still, small voice of God.

4. Parents should understand this principle: If I tell my children to do something and they don’t do it, they have done wrong. If I have to tell my children the same thing over and over until they obey, I have done wrong! Disobedience should not be met with repetition of commands; it should be met with discipline.

5. Parents must schedule time early and often to train their children to respond to their commands. We taught our children at a very young age that obedience included three words: (1) Now-obedience should be rendered immediately, (2) All-obedience should be rendered completely, and (3) Smile-obedience should be rendered happily.

Note: Please understand the difference between teaching and training. Teaching is the imparting of right information (what to do). Training is the physical exercise that accompanies teaching (how to do). A football coach can draw x’s and 0’s on the chalkboard until his hands become cramped, but the players will not necessarily play football any better. In fact, they will probably just become more frustrated losers!

Example: When our children were toddlers, we would have training time just before devotions. We taught them to come to Mommy and Daddy whenever they were called. To solidify the teaching, we would play the “Come when you are called game.” (Pretty original, huh?) We told the kids to go anywhere they wanted to go in the entire house. Then we told them that we would call one of their names, but not loudly, so they would have to listen carefully. When any one of them would hear his name, he would shout, “Yes, Sir!” or “Yes, Ma’am!” and come immediately. In “the game” we would reward them for how quickly they would come, or how happily, or how closely they listened! You get the idea.

Never underestimate the importance of training your children to respond to your word immediately, completely, and happily.

Thank you www.kurtskelly.com!

10 Things Women Don’t Understand About Men

There are plenty of things that men do that don't make sense to women. I can't explain them; it's just how we're made. Here are a few things that men do that women will NEVER understand...

1. Men just can't stop and ask for directions.

2. Men are obsessed with the TV remote control.

3. Men have no desire to start their Christmas shopping until December 24th.

4. Men can remember the score of a baseball game played ten years ago, but will struggle to remember their own anniversary.

5. Men can settle all serious arguments with a quick game of rock, paper, scissors.

6. Men HATE to chit-chat on the phone.

7. Men hate to wrap presents.

8. Men can watch the movie Gladiator over 1000 times without getting tired of it.

9. Under no circumstances do men EVER want to watch ice skating or men's gymnastics on television.

10. Men only cry when their team wins the big game or a heroic dog dies saving his master from death.

Thank you to www.treymorgan.net!

Before You Discipline Your Child…

 

Discipline is a sacred thing. Too often we parents take discipline too lightly or treat it too flippantly. In the big picture, all discipline is about bringing our children into a right relationship with their Heavenly Father, that He might bless their lives. It’s not about controlling behavior, modifying behavior, or minimizing embarrassment. Pure and simple, it’s about bringing them into proper alignment with the laws and favor of their gracious God.

With that in mind, there are two critical questions I must ask myself before I enter into any discipline of my children.

1. Am I Right with My Heavenly Father? It would be rather hypocritical to try to bring my child into a relationship that I will not bring myself into. It would be completely duplicitous to demand submission from my children if I myself am not submissive. I cannot expect my child to love, obey, and honor a God that I will not.

I challenge you to begin all family discipline with this question. Search your heart before you correct theirs. This will help you stay right with the Lord. It will make your discipline authentic. It will give you a spirit of humility in meting out discipline. It will give you a right perspective of your role as you are “under the authority” of your own Heavenly Father.

2. Am I Right with My Child? This one is as critical as the first. For discipline to be received, it must transfer far more than mere punishment or rebuke. It must transfer love and compassion. It must transfer care. It must transfer the heart of Christ and a passionate desire for what is broken to be made whole. This cannot happen if there is an unresolved offense between me and my child.

For many parents, the way they deal out discipline actually creates offense. We yell, scream, throw fits, and generally spout unrestrained anger. All of this is counter productive to biblical discipline. While it may temporarily curb undesired behavior (at least in our presence) it actually makes matters much worse under the surface—in the heart.

Authentic discipline only takes place when my heart is completely right with my child. Trying to throw down discipline on top of previous offense only builds and feeds a spirit of resentment. This merely invites my child to despise me.

If my own sin is standing in the way, I cannot deal authentically with my child’s—and the child intuitively knows this.

Discipline is not only sacred—it is precious. It doesn’t need to be purely unpleasant.  It can actually be sweet, restorative, rebuilding, and renewing. It can bring wholeness to that which was broken, sweetness to that which was bitter, and closeness to that which was distant. Biblical discipline brings a life out of fellowship back into fellowship. It puts joy and delight back into a relationship. In short—biblical discipline heals.

If you desire your discipline to be these things, you must first provide a “YES” to these two simple questions—Am I right with my Heavenly Father? Am I right with my child? Rest assured, if these two things are in place, your discipline will find its way into the heart and have a life-transforming effect.

Note: Quick litmus test—hug your child and pray with them after you discipline. If you are sincerely, willingly hugged back, it’s a good sign that you provided biblical discipline with the heart of Christ. If not, sit down and talk it out. Don’t stop pursuing an open heart, even after a moment of discipline. Discipline done right should bring your relationship closer immediately.

Thanks to www.caryschmidt.com!